


Leg Warmers: The Musical!

by kormantic



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Family, Future Fic, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 06:03:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2802179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kormantic/pseuds/kormantic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Leg Warmers: The Musical! Featuring Olivia Newton-John's triumphant return to the stage! She’ll be the cornerstone of each production, the bedrock my legacy will be built upon!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leg Warmers: The Musical!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoggledMonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoggledMonkey/gifts).



THE PITCH

“Whatcha workin’ on there, Gene?” asked Linda, peering over her son’s shoulder as he hunched over his laptop, which was plastered with Hello Kitty Sparkle Stickers and KALE SCHOOL OF DRAMA decals.

“I’m just putting the finishing touches on my presentation for the financiers. It’s a series of musicals based upon the oeuvre of the legendary Olivia Newton-John, last seen in the film ‘Score: A Hockey Musical’*, and noted Scientologist John Travolta!”

“So, a revival of Grease, then?” said Bob, adding another half a sprout to his Muscles from Brussels burger (“comes with creatine and roasted brussels sprouts, served on a Belgian waffle”). 

“No way, it’s a genderbent fusion/homage to the 80's classics ‘Perfect’, ‘Two of a Kind’, and ‘Stayin’ Alive’, with just a soupçon of the roughneck grit of the Sweathogs from ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’,” Gene said grandly.

“That sounds... Complex, Gene.”

“Oh it is, Dad, it IS, but live drama is trapeze without a net, a spiral staircase without a banister, a BDSM encounter without a safe word--you have to follow through in your promise to thrill the audience, but you must ALSO trust them to follow you through the labyrinth of UNCERTAINTY.”

“Without a safe word? Um, son, do I need to have a talk with Leslie?”

“What’s ‘Two of a Kind’, sweetie?” Linda interrupted, already caught up in Gene’s enthusiasm.

“Only the heartstopping 1983 box office smash! My take involves the intriguing tale of two Will They/Won't They--spoiler alert! They WILL!--con artists who become humanity’s LAST HOPE when Jehovah himself, as portrayed by Ms. Olivia Newton-John, throws his hands up at the foolishness of humanity and orders the race destroyed. A trio of bleeding-heart angels, played by Djimon Hounsou, Ian Ziering and Zac Efron, strike a deal with him: if they can find just two good souls, the Lord will allow Earth to survive. Unfortunately, the angels have staked the future of the species on a grifting bank teller and a smooth-talking confidence man! WHAT WILL HAPPEN!”

“Ooooooooooooh, so roMANtic! Well, good luck on your presentation, honey. You’re gonna knock their socks off!”

“You really got Olivia Newton-John to star in your show?” Bob sounded dubious, but impressed.

Tina stuck her head through the server window and said, “We’re all booked for New York. I upgraded our tickets to Aspiring Middle Class. I’m on the aisle, in case I sit across from a famous actor traveling incognito. I’ll catch his eye, he’ll order me extra tomato juice, and it will be the story we tell our grandchildren.”

The front door banged open and Louise stalked into the restaurant yelling into her cell phone, bunny ears tilted at a devil-may-care angle, but scrupulously matching the subtle mauve pinstripe in her gray wool suit. 

“If I don’t see those contracts in my inbox in the next TEN MINUTES, Tony, I will NOT be responsible for my actions!”

“My people are in talks with her people,” Gene said airily, waving a hand. 

 

THE MONEY

“Legwarmers: The Musical! Featuring Olivia Newton-John's triumphant return to the stage! She’ll be the cornerstone of each production, the bedrock my legacy will be built upon! With Jimmy Pesto Junior in the role he was BORN TO PLAY as Sylvester, the passionate young tough who can only express himself through DANCE.

“Imagine, if you will, act one, scene one,” Gene threw his arms up and squared his hands, peering into the future of blackbox theater. “A male aerobics instructor meets a female reporter doing a story on health clubs, but it ISN’T love at first sight!

“Starring Jamie Lee Curtis as the MALE aerobics instructor and Phylicia Rashad as the ambitious reporter, ready to break the world of treadmills, sweatbands and glamour wide open!”

“Edgy. I like it,” Tina whispered to Louise.

“Ah, Ms. Rashad will no doubt be a sensual delight in her first publicly displayed set of legwarmers!” Mr. Fischoeder rubbed his hands together in apparent brisk anticipation.

“There’s nothing quite like the feeling of acrylic yarn on freshly shaved shins,” said Gene dreamily.

“It _is_ exhilarating, I agree,” Fischoeder returned. “But really, just sum it up for me. I’m losing interest and I have an eye-patch fitting with my tailor in half an hour.”

“It's essentially 86 minutes of deep-knee calisthenics ending in a cathartic laser light show set to the musical stylings of Patti LaBelle,” Tina offered hurriedly.

“You mean Lupone.”

“I mean _LaBelle_ , mister!,” sputtered Gene. “Who’s the creative director around here, Fischoeder?”

“Color me intrigued. I have a great deal of respect for you, son. After all, it’s not every day that I meet a man who can rival a scarf collection as magnificent as my own. Here’s a check. I’m sure the tax write-off will be a suitable trade for a few moments of amusement. I take my leave of you, Belchers. Break a leg!”

“I'll be casting director,” Tina said, eyeing the chorus boys milling around backstage speculatively.

“And I've got box office,” Louise announced. “These cultured theater chumps will pay through the nose for anything with a buzz. All we need is a few good reviews... And the best way to get those reviews is to--”

“...Bribe someone,” Louise finished with a cackle, already thumbing through her phone’s contacts.

“...Write them yourself,” said Tina, drawing a pencil from behind her ear and opening a fresh notebook.

“...cover it in sequins and make it SING!”

 

THE PREVIEW

“I can't believe my baby is presenting an off-off-off-off- _off_ BROADway show! This is so exCITing! The smell of greasepaint and rosin and sweaty leotards! Oh, it brings me back to my days on the stage with The Ta-Tas. Ohhhhh, we should do another reunion tour!” Linda clasped her hands and bounced in her seat, giving her sister an imploring look. “Huh? Right??? Gayle? Tell me I’m right!”

“I’m not built for touring anymore. Besides, who would feed my cats? Janine can only sit with them for two days at a time!”

Beside her, Teddy squeezed Gayle’s hand. “Aw sweetie, you know that I’d look after them for you.”

“You do seem to be bonding with Jean-Pawed Van Damme and Pinkeye, but…” Gayle trailed off.

“Aw, Mr. Business will come around, just you wait and see. I’ve got a pocket full of anchovies with his name on it.” 

“I can’t believe Gene’s really got a show in New York,” Bob murmured. “It’s a full house!”

“You must be real proud, though. This looks like a pretty classy operation. And those Klieg lights are the real deal. Nice joins on those beams, too,” Teddy said, giving the fixtures a professional once-over.

“You know what? I actually am. I haven’t been this ready for a theater experience since the last tour of Cake. I mean, Olivia Newton- _John_ is in this!”

Linda linked her arm in his.

“Awwww, and all our kids worked together to make it happen! Oh, there’re the lights! That means the curtain’s goin’ up any minute!”

 

THE CURTAIN

“Zac! Keep that energy up! Ms. Newton-John, you’re positively radiant in that beard.”

“It’s truly an honor to be here, Gene, but no offense, nothing I have done professionally will top the feeling I got when singing with John Farnham at the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney.”

“The Australian Eddie Money?! None taken!”

Gene clapped his hands.

“Attention, attention everyone! I just want to say that I value each and every one of you as a fellow artist, that I honor your craft and professionalism, and that I don’t want to see any scenery chewing out there--I’m looking at you, Ziering--find the subtlety in your characters and inhabit it, damn you! Now, I want you to get out there and SING YOUR HEARTS OUT.”

 

THE REVIEWS

“...Newton-John was magisterial as the volatile Jehovah, but Hounsou was the real scene-stealer, with deadly comic timing and devastating line readings of the baroque dialogue lifted verbatim from the film classic ‘Two of a Kind’...” --Rudolph Steiblitz, Variety

“...surged onto the stage with muscular gravitas. And also a butt that wouldn’t quit. Truly, Jimmy Pesto Junior is our generation’s Baryshnikov.” --Dina Ravenheart, Community Theater Corral

“See it. It was worth every word of this review.” DRL, TenWordReviews.Net

 

* THIS FILM, SOMEHOW, ACTUALLY EXISTS

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Yuletide, GoggledMonkey! I don't know if I addressed Gene's gender fluidity as directly as you hoped for, but I like to think you'll have fun with this fluff anyway. Thanks much to Karak and my huckleberry for quick and snappy beta!


End file.
